a debt of thanks

December 5, 2009

“ Dead or alive, I’d have no peace. So I let it go, the way you have to when you’re completely dependent on someone. ”

December 5, 2009 15 notes

(via ignify)

December 5, 2009 24 notes

(via not-just-an-urban-outfitter)

December 5, 2009

i’m too tired to look for a dance partner tonight. maybe tomorrow or the day that comes after. i want to sleep and wake up and be alone. and stay alone for a while. then maybe, i will look.

December 5, 2009 35 notes

honeysticks:

(via bunnymitford)

December 5, 2009 327 notes

sweethomestyle:

amanda thomas

December 5, 2009

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Evil Urges baby

December 5, 2009 1 note

morbid and sad and dumb and long

“i didn’t know what i am supposed to do with it. so i put it in my pocket, the left pocket of my coat and will on through my day. i have to buy baker’s chocolate for the cake i was baking for my sister’s birthday and a stamps from the post office, a pack of cigarettes from the gas station behind it. maybe two. something chirped. a tiny peep muffled. my hearing isn’t very good anymore, so it was probably nothing. my sight isn’t very good anymore. my throat, my voice, that’s no good either. my brain isn’t so good anymore. a lot of things that used to work didn’t feel like working anymore, ever since he jumped off that bridge fifteen years ago. i stopped hearing the nice things people had to say and the record he had been listening to earlier. i stopped seeing because my eyes were too puffy and sore. i stopped yelling because i couldn’t, i literally could not yell anything. he never got too sad about things, he told me that once. i tried that. what was that? chirping? again? i could have sworn, i could have sworn i had heard it. did you hear it? well, it’s probably just me, acting up again. oh my ears, sometimes you get me so… frustrated. i can’t hear the oven buzzer go off or sometimes even the phone and people complain because my TV is turned up all the way and oh my god, i can’t help it! i should stop getting angry. i remember… i remember one time, i got so angry because my packages didn’t send on time. i screamed and fought on the phone with the delivery company, but really, there wasn’t much i could do. i then screamed and fought with the dog, who was barking too loud and the neighbors complained. i then screamed and fought with him because i tried so hard to try to rile him up sometimes. he grabbed my hands and told me not to get angry. he stopped feeling angry a while ago. this made me angrier. how can someone neglect the single most barbaric and nature human emotion? how can someone not feel fury or hate or disdain? they were so easy to feel. sometimes they felt good. that was most definitely a chirp. what is that? it sounded kind of like a bird but maybe just some kind of technology. what is in these boxes? i’m not supposed to open them, not yet. not until i’m home. how odd it was to find those in his PO box, but addressed to me. i wonder if he stopped feeling curiosity. like the sadness. and the anger. and the… the… i guess i never really thought about that… i don’t want to think about that. i don’t want to feel sad and angry anymore. i’m not going to, either. i just… maybe i should go home. i want to open these boxes. yes, that’s what i’ll do. i’ll go home.

home is now a little apartment in the city. a city miles away from where i had been so angry and sad. yes, i’ve left those emotions there, that’s right. i don’t want to feel upset and i won’t! upset is back, far away. three hours in a car away. i unlock the door and let myself in. i pull the box from my pocket. it’s about the size of a bottle cap, maybe a little bigger, since it’s a square. cube, rather. it’s looks like… it’s one of those music players. oh god, these were so cute when i was a girl. i had one that sang Edelweiss. i may still have it. probably not though. will you wind this up for me? my hands, they don’t work like they used to be. they… oh…”

the apartment was silent. the tiny box made a splashing noise and then nothing. a splash like something large, something heavy fell from high above into the water. not a dive. but a fall. an empty, impossible fall. she felt nothing. no anger. no sadness. no joy. she became that few second fall, suspended between bridge and river, where all feeling is wiped away with anticipation. the one thing she also stopped feeling though, was the one thing he had always carried on. it was a feeling of love and a feeling of belonging. unlike anger and sadness, they weren’t feelings that could be ignored into extinction. the only way they could be removed from his body was if he would go with them.

December 4, 2009